I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

‘Do these excite you?’ she asked, holding up her breasts.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

So I climbed on her.

It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.

‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

‘I sure did,’ I said and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddy.”

The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.”

The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”

The robot caddy turned to the man and said, “No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.” Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, “I think this green is gonna break left to right.” The robot then again spoke up and said, “No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left.”

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddy.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, “How was your game ?” The golfer stated, “It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.”

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, “I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”

“COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could have complained about those robots? They were incredible”

The man sighed and said, “Well, it wasn’t their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way.”

The golfer said, “So then why didn’t you just paint them black?”

The man nodded sadly and replied, “We did. Then four of ‘em didn’t show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he’s the President.”

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you.. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

The teacher realized that only Janie was left. “Janie, do you have a story to share?”

”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Stay the Hell away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’

When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.

The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’

But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

The nun fainted.

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.

I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well, the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that’s how I strained my back”

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said “My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?”

He replied, “You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won’t believe it but I was hit by a fridge.”

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, “What the hell happened to youuuuuu…..?”

“Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor…….

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”

“That fellow traveling through,” said the farmer.. “needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”

The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.” So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer’s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.

“How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried. “We made such passionate love last night!”

“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out …..

“LAIDDDTHEOLLADEEEETOOOOO”

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw
it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told
him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him
on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the
hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called
on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that
the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle
of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here…

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered
and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a
ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.

Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’

The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.

Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was ‘fascinated.’ The teacher said, ‘Well,

That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.

Johnny said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.’

The teacher sat down and cried.